Struggle Street.

I have lost my blogging mojo. I'm just not in the right headspace. Sleep deprivation, Groundhog days, juggling a newborn and a toddler (one who was sick with an ear infection and is also teething), being in pajamas all day (because I have no clothes that fit) will do that to you. I'm not going to lie, I am struggling. I feel like the worst mother. I can't stand the sound of the baby crying, (what mother does?) it sends my stress level through the roof and I get angry and frustrated. I hate the newborn stage and this time around it's worse because I'm also caring for a toddler who while he is really a very good kid is also very challenging. I find it a struggle to give quality time to Bubby when I'm torn between the two. The first week back home hubby did the daycare drop off and pick up but he can't keep leaving work early (he normally leaves work around 7-7.30 pm) so the last couple of weeks Bubby has been home with me with a nanny. While she was helpful not just with taking care of Bubby but also doing a bit of housework I was never comfortable with the idea and I really didn't like her hippy ways. I realised that I am really far too controlling and things have to be done my way (I can't even stand seeing her hang up the clothes on hangers and the hangers aren't all facing the same way. Yes, I am aware I have Issues). None of this airy fairy stuff, kids eat/drink instinctively when and what their body needs. If I was going to have a nanny she'll be a no nonsense Nanny McPhee. Anyway, hubby is back in Brisbane and my mum has taken annual leave is here with me for two weeks, and my dad is also staying but he goes to work during the day. He also brings me home some good stuff:

It took three weeks for someone to bring me sushi. Three weeks.

Duplos keep Bubby entertained quite a bit.

Bubby adores his brother to bits but he can be over-exuberant. Here he is hugging his baby brother. I find it really difficult to nurse the baby when we three are home alone as Bubby is always wanting to hug his brother. He wants to sit next to me but can only sit still for a little while before he either climbs over my back or tries to grab the baby. Drove me to tears the other day when I was trying to feed the baby and wrestle him from Bubby at the same time and the baby spewed what must have been all the milk he had drank. I was absolutely soaked and I totally lost it.

Some people have been asking when they can visit and I'm really not up for visitors. It took me months before I invited people over when I had Bubby. The baby is unsettled in the morning until lunch and I rest in the afternoon when both kids are asleep. That really leaves me with no time to have visitors. I also look terrible and the house is a mess and I will never present myself looking this way to the world. It frustrates me that I have been stuck at home since leaving the hospital. I would really like to be able to get out and buy some decent clothes particularly tops that don't make me look like Dolly Parton.

From now on the baby will be called Chububby. He gained a whopping 540 grams ten days after we left the hospital. Apparently newborns gain between 150 to 250 grams a week. At least I don't have to worry about his weight gain. My arms and back certainly feel it.